Isn’t it funny how easy those words come off the tongue but the minute your life turns upside down you can’t believe it for yourself?
To be honest I have no idea how to write this post. I haven’t wanted to write or even thought I was able to, but I think just writing, even if it’s about nothing, will help.
I’ll admit it –whenever one of my regular bloggers falls off the map I find myself increasingly curious as each day passes by. Did someone die? Did he/she get kidnapped?? Are they living on a desert island??? And while I don’t consider myself a blogger that anyone in particular would be “worried” about, I figured I owed an explanation. One Wednesday I left you with some fun food pictures and a “see you tomorrow” and then I disappear for a month.
There’s not much to say except I’m going through a rough patch right now. As most people know, your first few years after college are hard, but for some reason my mind and body just aren’t handling it well at all. I’ve tried to force myself to be happy and grateful, because I know that that’s the key to a fulfilled life. But even though I’ve easily lived a life full of sunshine thus far, the past six months I have felt like a black cloud is slowly and quietly taking over my life. Worry, fear and guilt have consumed me and as hard as I’ve fought them off, they’ve won for now. I know I’ll be better eventually and am taking all the right steps to get back to my happy self, but for now this is where I’m at.
I didn’t think I could write until things went back to “normal,” but I’m slowly realizing that standing still (metaphorically) won’t get me anywhere, especially back to my old “normal.” Who knows if that normal will ever be back. But one thing is for sure – writing, especially in this forum, is one of the things in life that brings me the most happiness. So for now I’m going to play the old “fake it ‘til you make it”. I’m going to share food photos, maybe with fewer words than normal, and I’m definitely not going to get creative with topics. I apologize in advance I’m just going to sit down every once in a while and write.
Thanks in advance for the kindness I know I’m going to receive from this community. Like I said, please bear with me. But for now, I have about a month’s worth of blog-reading to do!
i had a big lunch 
I “like” this post obviously not because you have been having a hard time, but it’s so nice to see you back writing. I really don’t think you need to fake anything either. This is your space to talk about whatever you need to talk about and life is just not all puppies and rainbows all the time unfortunately. I remember going through something very similar to what you are talking about here while I was in college years ago and then again a little while after that. Just know that this is not your new normal. You will get through it and come out the other side as a stronger and better person than you were going in! We’ve all got your back on here and if you ever need to vent, you know where I am! Welcome back!!
I think I need to remind myself that authentic bloggers are the people who write about the ups AND the downs. Thanks so much for your kind words – it’s good to be back 🙂
I am like you…writing can definitely be a very therapeutic thing. I know you will get through this because you are a strong chick. And as always we your readers are here to be a sounding board and to chat. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for sure!
I honestly dreaded writing anything but now that I have it feels amazing. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers – and for your awesome blog that I love reading!
I definitely, definitely can relate to this. 2014 has been a “dark cloud” year for me, or at least it certainly has felt that way a lot of the time, and it’s very frustrating to have that cloud tailing you when you just want it to scram. I don’t know if you’re in therapy/are interested in therapy, but if you haven’t thought about it, I can’t recommend it enough. I started going to therapy back in March and it was one of the best decisions I made for myself. My black cloud is by no means gone, but just knowing I’ll have someone to talk to–someone helpful, not just a yes-man–has made a huge difference for me. I’d be happy to pass on my therapist’s contact info if you’re interested! Just let me know 🙂 Thinking about you, girl!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar – it’s the worst, right? Wanting to feel better but it just not happening? I just started seeing someone myself but thanks anyway for offering that contact info. I’m sure that talking to a third party is definitely going to help. 🙂
Hey darling. I’ve “been about to” email you so many times, and I am so sorry that I let that ball drop, and I haven’t. To tell you the truth, it didn’t even strike me how fast time had flown and how long it had been since you had written and we had chatted about getting together until last week, when things finally started to slow down. Oh, and I had the opportunity to think about going to a farmer’s market, and I thought of you!
I’m not going to say anything trite; I’m not going to say anything you’ve heard before. Just know that I am here, and if you want to grab a coffee or yoga class in the evenings, I am down to party. I’ve been through a lot of up/down/all around in my years during/following college, and so I know better than to tell you “it’ll get better.” We both know that it will. When is the question, and how do you keep it together until then is the challenge.
Pulling for you, you have been in my thoughts often, just unfortunately never at the right time for me to do anything about it.
I’ve felt so guilty about dropping the ball on our hangouts too! I promise promise promise that once I feel a little more “together” we will at the very least get coffee. I also think yoga would help so maybe that 🙂 you’re so right about time flying – the past two months have gone by with the blink of an eye. I can’t wait to read all about how your new job is going!
thoughts and prayers your way, sweets — glad you shared your pain with us so that we can be here to pray for you and lift you up during a hard time. you’re a breath of fresh air and a whole lot of sunshine and i can’t imagine how blessed the people in your life on a regular basis are to have you, and i hope you have a lot of great people to help you pull through this time. i second the Suz — also been there and had my share of ups and downs and “where do i fit ins” and “help my find my place in this worlddddds” after college and again after that, and i have confidence you will emerge with a renewed sense of self and take on the world. let yourself go slowly when you need, and lean on the people who love you the mostest. they’re what really matters. ❤
you guys are all the best! I’m glad especially to hear that I’m not the only one who has gone through something like this and that there are such awesome people, like yourself, who have come out the other side even better and brighter. Thanks so much for your kind words!
I am sorry for what you are going through, remember everything we go through makes us stronger! I understand and can relate, I too have been in your shoes epecially coming off of a fitness prep. I was unhappy, hated my body (even though I was getting back to healthy) but it was something I had to go through and it opened my eyes to many things about myself. Writing and sharing in this amazing community is a great outlet. Thank you for sharing your story and your bravery. This shows we are all humans and go through different phases, emotional sand situations. I look forward to following your blog and reading your future posts!!! ❤️❤️
“Trust your struggle” has become my mantra – I know it’s something that has to happen and that eventually I’ll look back on this time and be grateful that it’s in the past, but man it’s hard to deal with now. I’m glad to hear that your eyes were opened during your own struggle and that you’re happier now as well. Thanks for your kind words!
Lauren I’ve been thinking of you, buddy! Ironically, the last 6 months for me have been quite similar- the post college mindset- Honestly, it hasn’t been anything as what I thought it would be and it’s quite scary.
If you need to vent or someone who is in the exact same position, don’t hesitate to shoot me an email. Keep strong buddy- we can do this!
You are TOO kind! I think I really need to start actually emailing other bloggers. Just writing and responding to these comments makes me feel so much better and not so alone 🙂
Lauren, you are a star 🙂 please remember that!
I was away to email you this week actually to make sure everything was ok!
If you ever want an email chat, about anything!, please just throw me one. I know how it feels to feel so consumed by everything and the pressure to be ‘back to your normal self’ ( I’m recovering from an ED). But on the other hand, if you just want to escape and talk about random stuff, I am here too! 🙂
I’ve missed your blog so much! I will definitely catch up this week. I’m sorry to hear about your recovery but I’m glad you’re at least in that stage. I’ll definitely reach out if I need to but for now just reading comments like these honestly make my day and make me want to keep blogging away!
I am so so so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. If it makes you feel any better, everyone goes through those times and they come and go in life. It’s just a part of living. I know I can’t say anything that will make you feel better but just know that you are not alone and things will get better. I absolutely promise.
I think I’m slowly starting to realize that these feelings/situations aren’t me-specific and that I shouldn’t think there’s anything wrong with me for going through them. It’s a tough pill to swallow in the moment, though! Thanks for commenting!
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
I know this is a very hard, confusing time; but just keep faith that you have so many people on your side striving for your happiness. I love you and so do countless others. Life is the most wonderful gift from God, but that certainly does not mean that there won’t be difficult times- and they might last a while. I’m glad you’re back to blogging, because I’m sure you will slowly start to feel more like yourself, and feel better in your life and the decisions you have been making. It is so hard to have clarity when it feels like the earth is crumbling under you, but take your time and lean on God, your family, and friends. I care about you so much and I know you will figure everything out. I trust your judgement, and even if you’re not quite sure what to do with how you feel right now, trust that your heart is feeling that way for a reason. It’s okay to be undecided and lost, you are only 23! You will figure it out, and if you ever need to talk, I will be right by your side. ❤ I love you!
That second bible verse is perfect. Thanks for being a great friend Moni! I love you too!
I appreciate your honesty with this post. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough patch. I don’t know about you, but writing about tough topics/during tough times always makes me feel a little better. And one thing that always helps me to push through when I’m not feeling 100% is to remember that rough times aren’t permanent. It’ll pass. You’ve got to just get to the root of the issues you’re having, figure out how to change things for the better, and push forward the best you can. Sending you positive vibes!
Thanks so much 🙂 I’m working on reminding myself that “this too shall pass” and getting to the root of my problems will make the future so much easier.
Lauren, I totally get where you are coming from!! My first few years after college were definitely hard. Life can definitely throw you in places you never thought you’d be and it sounds like you are handling everything wonderfully. You are beautiful and such a sweet person. I know you’ll figure out exactly what you need to figure out. I’m always here to support you!! XOXO!!
Thanks! You’re so sweet, as always. I’m not sure I’m handling it wonderfully but I’m doing my best haha
Thank you and doing the best you can is all you can do!! You’ll get through it!! XOXO!! XOXO!!