voice

confessions of an insincere blogger

Let’s talk about about expectations of life and blogging.

I took a week or so off from writing, not because I was too busy but because I think I’m running out of things to say. I was reflecting on that yesterday and wondered, how could that be? I have lots to say in real life, so how is it that when I blog I’m at a loss? I realized that no, I’m not running out of things to say, I’m running out of ways to follow the template that I have set for myself when I blog. Healthy tip one day, workout picture another, recipe the next day and my indulgent meals at the end of the weekend. I have this idea about how to write a successful blog, as if it’s some kind of scientific method.  So why do I continue to follow a certain pattern?

I have this inherent need to make other people like me. The people closest to me know this and trust me, it’s annoying as hell. If I want fro-yo but my friends don’t I won’t get it alone because I don’t want to a) inconvenience other people and b) “awkwardly” eat by myself. I tip extra because I’m worried that the pizza delivery guy will be mad at me if I don’t. I get serious anxiety if I’m in a public place with my friends and I think we’re being too loud, because heaven forbid we’re “those people” annoying the people around us (who were probably already annoyed to begin with). It’s EXHAUSTING. I don’t say what I mean most of the time, especially if what I’m thinking or feeling would bring up conflict. It’s funny because I didn’t group up in a household where we avoid conflict, but for some reason 99% of the time if I can avoid that tough conversation, I do, because I don’t want to risk people thinking of me as anything less than that nice, friendly girl.

This need to make people happy has transcended into my blogging. I’ve been writing what I think you all WANT to hear and not what I want to write. In the end, this method is backfiring on me. I haven’t developed a relationship with my readers or let you all see who I really am besides someone who likes to talk about food and working out. I haven’t found my voice through this blog yet. Even when I write posts that have nothing to do with food or fitness I have serious anxiety that people won’t respond well. The funny thing is, though, that I’m forgetting there are human beings on the other end of the keyboard. You all are here not just to hear about my fitness goals and what I ate on Wednesday, but to get to know me as a writer and, more importantly, a friend. A “web” friend, but a friend nonetheless. You don’t know me well enough to stay interested week after week if I continue to just post according to a calendar. And sure, I’m insanely busy. I work six days a week, approximately 55 hours, between an internship at a PR company and a restaurant. So waking up every morning and finding inspiration to write about isn’t my top priority. But I have to stop thinking of this as me submitting posts to my high school newspaper and treat it more like my journal (without the boy band scribbles and sob stories about how hard geometry is). I have to find the balance between my identity as a food and fitness fanatic and my identity, period.

It’s an interesting problem I’m faced with, but I know I’ve seen many of you write about feeling this way before so I’d definitely appreciate any advice you have to give me!

Ok that was heavy — here are a few pictures of my weekend to lighten the mood 😉 I hope you have a great Monday!

Image

A crazy, cold, icy 5 mile run (but finishing felt incredible)ImageValentine’s day treats 🙂 A candy poster for Zain and chocolates/flowers and a heart-shaped pb&j for me (he knows the way to my heart)ImageCoffee with my best friend. There’s nothing better than losing yourself in conversation and before you know it hours have passed.ImageBrunch–does it get any better than mimosas and quiche?ImageImageImage

 

Advertisements