confession monday

You guys…you’re lucky I like and trust you because you are about to hear some embarrassing confessions. I’m a firm believer that until you look at yourself in the mirror and admit your feelings, you can’t move forward, so I’m going to bear it all (AND throw in some funny ones just so you know my life isn’t a complete clusterf***).

Confession #1

I quit PR.

Okay well I didn’t quit so much as I decided I didn’t want to keep looking for a permanent position in it. I didn’t love it. I woke up every morning fine with what I was doing but I couldn’t shake the feeling that “fine” wasn’t good enough. It took every ounce of courage I had but I took some advice from my old friend Ralph and am trying to forge my own path.

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 So where am I going, what am I doing? I promise I’ll let you know soon, just as soon as I get into my new routine. But I’m excited!

Confession #2

5 weeks ago I moved back home. I’m now living in the suburbs with my family until I can save some money and get my life back on track. Without getting into too much detail, I need to take care of myself right now and moving home where I don’t have to worry about the “big” stuff might seem immature to some but to me it was my only option.  A few months ago I started having pretty debilitating panic attacks, something I had never experienced before. I don’t know where they came from and I don’t know why they’ve started running my life, but they started to physically ruin my days and make living my “normal” life impossible. So I did the only thing I thought I could do–I moved home, am talking through my life to a third-party (is there a non-awkward way to say shrink?), and am switching jobs. So to say it’s a bit of a whirlwind time in my life is an understatement. I have hope for the future, but right now I’m taking everything day by day.

Confession #3

Ok let’s take a breath after all that heaviness.

Nine out of ten times I crave Mexican food solely for the margaritas – the food itself is no bueno.

Now, there are exceptions, and I’ve had a MEAN fish taco. But I think it’s time to  admit to myself that when I suggest a good fiesta I’m really just jonesing for a monster margarita. I finally admitted this to myself when I popped into Flaco’s Tacos for lunch on my last day Friday and pretty much hated my meal. No chips and salsa or tequila take ALL the fun out of Mexican food.

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Blaaaaaaaaaaand

 

Confession #4

Since “everything” happened, I have stopped working out. I’ve gone through all the stages: I’ve grieved, felt sorry for myself, wallowed, and cried, and started the cycle all over again. I’ve lost 8 pounds–ALL muscle, everything I’ve worked hard to build up for the past year. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from therapy so far it’s that feeling guilty about the past and fearing the future are only going to fuel my anxiety and cripple me from existing in the present. I’ve already wasted five weeks of my life and I decided that today would be a new start. So this morning I set out on a run – 3 miles. Nothing, right? Well, have you ever taken five weeks off from exercise completely? Those 3 miles, which would normally take around 26 minutes, took me 51 minutes. Between walking breaks and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, it took 51 minutes. See how this is a confession? That’s embarrassing for someone who claims to be a fitness lover! It was another reason why I didn’t want to start blogging again. I felt like such a fraud. But I’m trying to show myself a little compassion and remind myself that I’m going to need to build back up. And I’m never going to build back up if I stay at zero.

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Confession #5

I’ve watched more Netflix in the past week than should be legal.

I started rewatching The Office and got completely sucked in. I’m a little ashamed at how many hours I’ve spent laughing at Michael Scott but it’s been A LOT. I guess there are worse ways to spend your time, right? 

tumblr_n43ql1qia21shlkkvo1_500Confession #6

At some point in the future I’ve decided that I want to learn how to design tablescapes. No, that doesn’t make me a housewife wannabe, but some of the beautiful designs I see on Pinterest take my breath away. I have fantasies of one day throwing a beautiful dinner party complete with great friends, fancy hor d’oeuvres, a breathtaking table and great wine. Even typing that it sounds laaame but I have to admit it’s a fantasy of mine.

fcac4f637eaebc89c9413f6a3e1ab926Confession #7

I can’t stop listening to this song. It gets me out of my own head.

Confession #8

I love you all so much. Your comments on my post last week brought me to tears and really made me excited to start writing again. And you were right–the writing is proving to be very therapeutic for me. So, as always, thanks for reading and commenting– I value this community more and more every day.

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36 comments

  1. I’m so glad you are back!
    There is absolutely nothing immature about the decision you made. In fact I think that shows more maturity than anything else. When I was 24 I moved back home for awhile to get some stuff straightened out and it was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done, so I give you a major standing ovation for that!

    You are also NOT a fraud and great job getting back out there! You need to start somewhere and I think it will all come back to you pretty quickly. 🙂

    I also feel the exact same way about Mexican food although a new place did open up recently near my house and I got tilapia tacos and they were the bomb dot com.

    1. It’s great to hear that moving home isn’t such an anomaly…it’s hard because my plan was to be living full time in the city by now but apparently life doesn’t go according to plans. Oh and good fish tacos and guacamole are always the exception to the rule!

  2. YOU GO GLEN COCO. I say that because I 100% stand behind what you are doing in response to what you are going through, and I am so, so proud of you. I knew that you were finangling your way out of PR, but I didn’t realize the extent of the other things. You poor thing. But here’s the gist and nub of it: we aren’t meant to be that unhappy. To come apart at the seams. No, life isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t have to be (that’s the beauty of it, right?), but we are meant to live. Not to just survive. The me this winter was basically the medicated version of you right now–I was breaking down, mentally and physically. Pride, stubbornness, and Alex were what was holding me together. And then when my job ended, it felt like I was freed. Like that pressure was lifted (and I know what you mean by feeling like you can’t breathe, and out of nowhere–I have anxiety as well. It is TERRIFYING).
    You will get the pieces put back together, and in the right way. They are all still there, they just needed to be reconfigured. And you’ll be better than ever, because you will be finding it and doing it for you.
    Here whenever you need me.

    1. Haha you’re the best. I’m glad to finally be sharing these details with you all because I know no one wants to read about someone who pretends to have it together all the time. I’m sorry you were struggling as well – it’s the worst feeling! A good support system is all we can hope for – and time, of course. I promise whenever I’m in the city on a more regular basis (which will be very soon!) you’ll be the first person I reach out to! I already feel like I know you so well.

      1. You better. And you ha r to be fair to yourself too-sometimes you just don’t know how bad it has gotten until it kind of hits you. I knew I was having a rough time with somethings, but I really didn’t know just how rough until later.

  3. this is a great post, girl — thanks for sharing your struggles with us so we can be thinking of you and praying for you. it sounds like you’re taking the best steps necessary to care for yourself, and i hope you are feeling stronger and more at east day by day. moving home means you’re with the people who love you most — and that’s amazing. i’m in grad school for relational psych right now and am obviously a firm believer in therapy, and i hope it does you wonders! and those miles? you will be killing them again in no time. for now, exercise when you can, in whatever ways feels right to you, and get yourself healthy — in all regards. pulling for you. best wishes in all areas of these transitions in your life.

    1. I’m really hoping that talking to someone who doesn’t know my situation or my history will help! I think it has already, to be honest. And thanks for the support in terms of exercise haha it wasn’t pretty but I’m just happy I made it happen.

  4. I ran for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and I made it about a quarter of a mile before I both got really tired, and started having major anxiety that my knee was going to start hurting and I’d be out before I even got back into it. I have been trying to psych myself up to run again since then, but I haven’t been successful, so I blame it on the Louisiana heat.

    I think you made the most responsible decision by putting yourself back in a familiar situation so that you could work things out. Knowing when to ask for help is a sign of wisdom, not immaturity! Don’t forget that! Thinking of you often and can’t wait to meet!

    1. If I tried to run in Louisiana in July I’d probably make it to my mailbox, so oh my god good for you for even trying haha. It feels like a shitty situation, to be honest, but I know in the long run it’ll have been the right decision. So glad to have connected and I can’t wait to meet up once you’re finally here!

  5. Lehocks!!!!!!! I’m glad you’re getting everything out! The best! BUT, I almost cried when I read your confession #3, because Angela would be heartbroken. You must come over for some of my mom’s homemade Mexican doof.

    That table looks beautiful so I do not blame you at all for wanting to make that for fancy dinners. I look forward to this party you will be throwing.

    Love ya!

  6. I can completely relate to what you are going through! I am going through so many changes right now myself, moving and trying to establish a professional career start, it is oh so stressful! Not to mention a lovely injury keeping me from doing the only thing that keeps me sane haha

  7. As long as you are doing what is best for you, then that is all that matters! The rest will fall into place when the time is right. Netflix and ice cream is the best way to cope with some things in my opinion haha. Thank you for sharing!

  8. I’m so glad to read that you have realised that YOU are the priority right now – work, bills etc can be faced later when you are ready.
    Don’t worry about those workouts, your muscle will come back and you will be strong in both mind and body a lot more after facing this than before. Believe me I know 🙂

    Oh and that Mexican meal does not look good!

  9. First of all, you are so courageous for posting this! You really put yourself out there. Second, you are focusing all the negative of your actions not the positive: 1.) You are on the path to finding your true passion in life. 2.) You took time to deal with your anxiety and panic issues by surrounding yourself with people you love. 3.) After taking five weeks off, you jumped right back on the fitness wagon and you made it through. You should be congratulating yourself for all the things you have done that are good for you!

    Also, Michael Scott is one of the most hilarious tv characters ever!

  10. I don’t think your move home is immature at all. Quite the contrary in fact, I feel like doing that took courage because it was a conscious choice that you made according to what you felt like you needed. That’s amazing. I love your honesty. And I love this post.

  11. Oh boy. So many things to say.

    – I have no use for Mexican food whatsoever. Whenever people suggest Mexican, I tend to look for reasons why I can’t go. I don’t like tacos. I don’t like spicy food. I don’t like refried beans. Basically the only Mexican foods I don’t dislike are quesadillas and tortilla chips, and I don’t think I’ve ever craved either one of those things enough to go well out of my way to get them. (Though if anyone ever wants to go out for Mediterranean, I am allllllllll about that! 😀 ). You can imagine how much I enjoyed eating when I went to Mexico on a mission trip on college based on all of this. Haha. Thank you, Clif Bars, for existing.

    – I think therapist is a nice way of saying shrink. That’s what I say, at least 🙂 I ❤ my therapist and getting into that was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I 100% feel you on the panic attack thing. They're terrible and awful and miserable and impact your life way, way more than you might think. For a long time mine were pretty predictable (bad thunderstorm = panic attack), but earlier this year I was sosososososo stressed and I kept having panic attacks all. the. time. Guh. Misery. They were usually what I called mini panic attacks rather than the full blown thing, but still. Many tearful phone calls to my mother occurred. It feels like your brain has rebelled against you and has total control of your life, which is a pretty lousy feeling. You've made a lot of major changes, and I think getting into therapy was a great idea for hopefully helping you deal with everything (I also briefly wondered if you had your appointments immediately after mine, since I know the girl who comes after me comes in from the 'burbs, but you two don't look much alike, so I assume it's not you :P)

    – Have patience with yourself and your running. You CAN and WILL regain your fitness — it'll just take some time. You had far, far more important things on your mind than running or working out over these past few weeks, so don't beat yourself up over things too much, all right? Take it easy and slow — run/walk, or even take a peek at Couch to 5K if you have to for a guide for how to get back into running (I swear by Couch to 5K). What matters is that you're feeling good enough to get back into fitness, which I think is a positive sign that things are moving in the right direction for you 🙂

    Thinking of you, lady!

  12. You MUST know it is completely normal to move back home. I haven’t even left yet….I am 25!! I like to stay around to help with my autistic sister, but let’s be real…I don’t wanna leave. HAHA. NO SHAME! Family is so supportive and we NEED that at tough times. DO NOT beat yourself up about moving home. While I’m not a fan of margaritas, I could eat Mexican all day everyday so I’ll be with you eating all your food and you can drink all my booze. HA.

  13. Girl, I think sometimes we all feel like a “fitness fraud” – we all have cheat meals or don’t run as fast as other people or don’t workout as often as we should and sometimes that makes us feel like we have no right to discuss it. But I guess we have to remember that most people literally don’t do any exercise on a regular basis, so just getting out there is good enough!

    Oh and margaritas make ANY food more amazing. Margaritas + sushi = weird but good, trust me.

    1. Yeah that’s one small downside to blogging…we compare our whole story to everyone else’s highlights reel. It’s easy to feel like a fraud but just reading all your responses reassures me that everything that’s happening is normal and is helping me build back up to my goals.

  14. For some reason I read tablescapes as telescopes and was highly impressed 😉 though designing tablescapes is completely awesome! I hope sharing all of this helps you feel a little bit better, you are spot on about how helpful it is to get things off your chest and into writing. Loved your paragraph on working out too! Even if your run took you far longer than usual, it’s so much better than not doing it at all! I got a lot of inspiration out of this post 🙂

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