You guys…you’re lucky I like and trust you because you are about to hear some embarrassing confessions. I’m a firm believer that until you look at yourself in the mirror and admit your feelings, you can’t move forward, so I’m going to bear it all (AND throw in some funny ones just so you know my life isn’t a complete clusterf***).
I quit PR.
Okay well I didn’t quit so much as I decided I didn’t want to keep looking for a permanent position in it. I didn’t love it. I woke up every morning fine with what I was doing but I couldn’t shake the feeling that “fine” wasn’t good enough. It took every ounce of courage I had but I took some advice from my old friend Ralph and am trying to forge my own path.
So where am I going, what am I doing? I promise I’ll let you know soon, just as soon as I get into my new routine. But I’m excited!
5 weeks ago I moved back home. I’m now living in the suburbs with my family until I can save some money and get my life back on track. Without getting into too much detail, I need to take care of myself right now and moving home where I don’t have to worry about the “big” stuff might seem immature to some but to me it was my only option. A few months ago I started having pretty debilitating panic attacks, something I had never experienced before. I don’t know where they came from and I don’t know why they’ve started running my life, but they started to physically ruin my days and make living my “normal” life impossible. So I did the only thing I thought I could do–I moved home, am talking through my life to a third-party (is there a non-awkward way to say shrink?), and am switching jobs. So to say it’s a bit of a whirlwind time in my life is an understatement. I have hope for the future, but right now I’m taking everything day by day.
Ok let’s take a breath after all that heaviness.
Nine out of ten times I crave Mexican food solely for the margaritas – the food itself is no bueno.
Now, there are exceptions, and I’ve had a MEAN fish taco. But I think it’s time to admit to myself that when I suggest a good fiesta I’m really just jonesing for a monster margarita. I finally admitted this to myself when I popped into Flaco’s Tacos for lunch on my last day Friday and pretty much hated my meal. No chips and salsa or tequila take ALL the fun out of Mexican food.
Since “everything” happened, I have stopped working out. I’ve gone through all the stages: I’ve grieved, felt sorry for myself, wallowed, and cried, and started the cycle all over again. I’ve lost 8 pounds–ALL muscle, everything I’ve worked hard to build up for the past year. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from therapy so far it’s that feeling guilty about the past and fearing the future are only going to fuel my anxiety and cripple me from existing in the present. I’ve already wasted five weeks of my life and I decided that today would be a new start. So this morning I set out on a run – 3 miles. Nothing, right? Well, have you ever taken five weeks off from exercise completely? Those 3 miles, which would normally take around 26 minutes, took me 51 minutes. Between walking breaks and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, it took 51 minutes. See how this is a confession? That’s embarrassing for someone who claims to be a fitness lover! It was another reason why I didn’t want to start blogging again. I felt like such a fraud. But I’m trying to show myself a little compassion and remind myself that I’m going to need to build back up. And I’m never going to build back up if I stay at zero.
I’ve watched more Netflix in the past week than should be legal.
I started rewatching The Office and got completely sucked in. I’m a little ashamed at how many hours I’ve spent laughing at Michael Scott but it’s been A LOT. I guess there are worse ways to spend your time, right?
At some point in the future I’ve decided that I want to learn how to design tablescapes. No, that doesn’t make me a housewife wannabe, but some of the beautiful designs I see on Pinterest take my breath away. I have fantasies of one day throwing a beautiful dinner party complete with great friends, fancy hor d’oeuvres, a breathtaking table and great wine. Even typing that it sounds laaame but I have to admit it’s a fantasy of mine.
I can’t stop listening to this song. It gets me out of my own head.
I love you all so much. Your comments on my post last week brought me to tears and really made me excited to start writing again. And you were right–the writing is proving to be very therapeutic for me. So, as always, thanks for reading and commenting– I value this community more and more every day.